I’d like to begin this week’s post with a story from spring break. Over the break, I worked at the petting zoo at the Nederland Heritage Festival. At one point, three little girls came in the zoo. They were asking which animals were the leaders of each group (the most dominent of each species). I told them about how Brownie (one of our female goats) was the leader of the goats. The three girls gasped and asked, “A girl is the boss!? How can a girl be the boss? Only boys are bosses.” I got really serious, bent down next to them and said, “Listen to me. ANY girl can be the boss. And if someone tells you different, don’t listen to them, because girls make awesome bosses.” Did I just contradict what their family had told them before? Maybe. But oh well. It makes me really upset to see children so young, thinking that they can never be leaders. That type of mindset can really limit them, when they should be able to grow and know that they have unlimited potential.
This brings me to my topic of discussion this week: anti-feminists. These people will try to contradict everything you say, even if they don’t disagree, just because you’re a feminist. They’ll call you a femi-nazi. They’ll tell you that women shouldn’t do men’s jobs. And I bet you all know one of them. I’ve found in my travels that the south has far more anti-feminists than the north. This has a lot to do with upbringing, tradition, and region. Regardless of reasoning, it’s really frustrating when you come across someone who thinks women belong in the kitchen or that they don’t own their own bodies. And of course when you try to correct them, they act as if THEY are the ones who’ve been wronged. HOW???
I get angry just thinking about it. But I’ve actually come across several articles on how to deal with these types of people without completely losing it on them.
This particular article was written by feminist, who like many of us, has dealt with a lot of negativity about their advocacy for women’s rights. Here is the link: http://everydayfeminism.com/2012/12/the-pain-of-being-feminist-in-an-anti-feminist-world/
In it, the author describes what you should do in different situations. Often, just walking away is a good solution when you can see that you aren’t getting through to them. This keeps you from outbursting in response to their disrespect and it deprives them of an opportunity to continue ranting. In addition, remaining positive and looking for the good in people is also encouraged in the article. Change won’t come over night, but that doesn’t mean you should ever give up or give in on your advocacy for a good cause.
I encourage you guys to read the article and others like it. I’ve found them very helpful and encouraging. (Some are also very funny!)
P. S. I apologize if any of this post has typos or is formatted wrong. Our Internet has been out so I’ve had to use my phone for school work.
March 27, 2017 at 7:34 pm
I have had to pull my own nieces aside and give them a similar little pep talk a few times before regarding what girls can and cannot do, or what’s “for boys” and things like that. I have even done the same thing with strangers’ children while working retail. I managed the Vans store for a few years and would ceaselessly see both young boys and girls discouraged from buying the shoe they wanted because it was on the opposite sex’s side of the shoe display wall. I would bring the shoe out anyway, get them to put it on and see how much they really liked it, and then say, “Is it on a girl’s foot? Then it’s a girl’s shoe” (and vice versa for the young gentlemen).
I have often stopped to wonder if their parents would appreciate me perhaps contradicting their own ideals. I’m sure if I were a parent and someone ever told my children something I didn’t personally believe, like that my daughter couldn’t do something just because she was a girl, I would be livid. But, I guess having parents be mad at me is a risk I’m willing to take to do my part toward making sure the next generation and every successive generation knows more and more so that they do not have to be bound by these gender roles and norms.
So, I am so glad that you told those girls what you did. Otherwise, they may have never heard it.
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April 1, 2017 at 4:46 am
That makes me really sad about the shoes. Adult’s views of masculinity and femininity should never be pushed on children! I always wore “boy shoes” when I was younger and the girls at school picked on me for it. But obviously they never would have thought that or acted like that if someone had not influenced them to think that way. Isn’t it strange how much those things can effect so many people? I love how you dealt with those situations : saying its for girls if its on a girl and for boys if its on a boy. And yes, parents often raise their kids under the same beliefs they were raised under, but the problem is that this isn’t always what is best for the child. Like you said, we want to help the next generation become even more accepting of others!
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March 31, 2017 at 2:39 pm
This semester, when I have engaged in conversations concerning gender norms, feminist theory, and discussion of feminist politics I find myself leaning more towards the fifth idea that’s stated in sunbeamspirit’s linked article. The author writes, “Speak your truth. Don’t let your voice be silenced.” Our truths that we have found and developed in this course and our lives come from years of knowledge, experience, and discovery; our ability to be mature, wise, and professional in uncomfortable or awkward situations with individuals who disagree with feminist ideas/values stems directly from analyzing and speaking about the truths we have used to stabilize and improve our different worldviews.
I understand your frustration and anger, sunbeamspirit, and I applaud you for giving those young girls your wonderful piece of advice. But, I believe there is one idea that the author of the article you linked missed: channeling your frustration and anger from these encounters with “anti-feminists” into productivity. Not to say that this point isn’t explained and doted upon elsewhere, but I have had to use this piece of advice more than the other five ideas the author of your link wrote about in her article. Defending one’s voice, walking away from a tough situation, and seeing the good in the world while being aware of the bad are all very valid, and very real points. But what happens when the conversation is over and you walked away? Or, you defended your truths, but the conversation still went south? Your emotions and mind are tumultuous with aggravation, disappointment, and other emotions I can’t even begin to describe here. If someone does not know how to healthily channel their frustration, it can lead to disastrous consequences. For me, this has been the hardest thing to work on this semester; channeling my frustration so I am a wiser, more patient person the next time I am placed in a uncomfortable, awkward conversation/situation with an “anti-feminist”.
I think it would be beneficial for us (I will help you with this, if you’d like to do it) to make a list of ideas of how to combat and manage difficult situations/conversations that center around feminism. We could even make a list of articles/books/femauthors to help us inform others in our conversations and steer them towards becoming better informed about feminism and its many, many tenets.
Excellent post! 🙂 Keep up the great work.
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April 1, 2017 at 4:37 am
You make a wonderful point. This is something really important that I didn’t even think about until you pointed it out! It is a truly terrible feeling when you leave a conversation like that frustrated or with more to say. I’ve had similar situations happen to me my whole life (usually for being a vegetarian). People always jumped on me and said I went against the Bible by being a vegetarian. (HOW? haha). But for a while it really bothered me and I ALWAYS had to walk away to avoid blowing up at their ignorance. At least when I was younger. Now, the way I manage this (it still happens believe it or not), I let them give their entire ridiculous spill (as if they had any right to tell me how to live) but I let them get their words out until they have literally nothing else left to say. Then I reply with something simple like, “That’s good for you, but not for me.” They usually can’t respond because they’ve already said everything else in their arsenal. Mind you, I don’t go around starting arguments about being a vegetarian. These people are the ones who ask me curiously why I am the way I am, and when I tell them, they become angry. I don’t understand how my views can make them feel attacked but it seems to. I think it is a really similar situation with feminism. I really love your idea of making a list! I think that would be super helpful! I know in situations where people try to make me feel about about being a vegetarian, one way I channel my frustration is to just advocate for animals even more. So, one way we can channel our frustration into productivity for feminism is to advocate for the cause more! We can reach out on social media to our friends and family, sharing articles and news reports to back up our argument for feminism! I’ll keep an eye out for things to link to and post them here when I find them!
You have a great idea, I think you’re on to something!
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April 27, 2017 at 7:36 pm
I agree–no one has the right to tell us how to live. I also agree that channeling our frustration is essential to moving forward and living our lives as peacefully as possible. I’ve encountered the same “give your spill, and I’ll keep to my own way” problem in religious discussions after I went overseas to Africa and Japan. There were men and women from my parent’s church asking if I “had educated those savages” in Africa or “turned ’em (meaning Japanese students I met) to Christianity” instead of towards Buddhism. In both of those situations, I balked in surprise, disappointment, and frustration.
I kindly (but sternly) explained to those individuals that the children in Africa were not savages, but rather young people who wished to become multilingual and multicultural by any means necessary. Some of the children I taught (kindergarten-aged kids, mind you) already knew 5 languages or more by the time I met them. Also, I mentioned that the means of living a clear Christian-life without strife, vices, or violence was very similar to tenants of Zen Buddhism, and I had the opportunity to attend a Buddhist memorial service that was one of the most serene and calming ceremonies I had ever attended in my life.
Like you said, channeling frustration into productivity for feminism (and other causes/ideas we deeply believe in) is the first step towards being well-rounded and wiser women. Maybe over the summer we can start a list to give out to people who are interested in learning about feminist theory, ideas, and pioneering feminists?
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